Shop til You Drop…Off the Face of the Earth

By: Heather Ammann


This is going to be my first contribution toward the aforementioned “document” which we have come up with as a result of countless encounters with stupid, life-ruining people. Although Audrey has stated that we do not want to comment heavily on this topic, as not to ruin it for our fans, some of the posts from this blog may actually resurface word for word in said “document.” So, for all you die hard Crazies fans, beware…

*SPOILER ALERT*

Now, back to the topic, “I hate people.” I have said it before and I will say it again. It may sound harsh to some, but I personally feel that it is quite fair. People are the dominant species on this planet and we have infinite potential as living beings, yet I continually witness individuals around me who can not seem to get it together. Now, this could easily branch off into a discussion about the environment and how it is our duty to reverse the damage that we have done, but I will save that for a rainy day. I am here today to talk about Shopping Etiquette 101. I know, I know, it sounds trivial compared to saving the planet, but nonetheless it is important to the Crazies.

Some of you may be aware that until I got into education I worked for about a year and a half in the retail industry. I worked a little over a year at Ann Taylor Loft and for about 4 months at The Limited. It is because of these horrifying experiences that I have compiled the following list of rules for ALL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET to follow (if they possibly can…I do not think decency is too much to ask for).

#1 When you enter a store and are greeted by a friendly sales-associate it would be nice of you to acknowledge that person in return. That person, the friendly sales-associate, is there to make you feel welcome in the store so that you might enjoy your shopping adventures. It is very rude to ignore someone when they are talking to you, which is something that we all should have learned when we were 6. Needless to say, grown women, pushing strollers through malls everywhere, are purposely ignoring friendly sales-associates near you…thus turning them into “snobby” sales associates. If you want nice sales associates don’t start the “snob” chain-reaction in the first place.

#2 When you are browsing through racks of neatly hanging garments, and tables topped with nicely folded stacks of attire, consider for a moment, if you will, that those clothes did not hang and fold themselves. Yes, there is actually a person, who gets paid next to nothing, to stand in high heels for 4 hours at a time while folding each individual sweater, and hanging every single pair of pants. Question: Have you ever had a sales associate come up to you, as you are wreaking havoc on the store, and ask, “Can I help you find your size?” You may have wondered to yourself why they think you need help and replied, “No, thanks…I can do it myself.” Here’s a little clue…that person WANTS to help you because it will save them from having to re-fold everything you touch. Little did you know that you were building enemies with each swipe of your reckless little hand.

#3 If you decide to swing by the mall in a time crunch to make a last minute purchase, and find yourself frustrated because you end up waiting in line at the register, GET OVER YOURSELF. It is not the store’s fault that you procrastinated, or that there are other people in this world who shop. There will inevitably be lines at the mall, especially on the weekends. Rolling your eyes and sighing as you stare at your watch does not make the line move any faster. And no, you cannot cut in line (waiting your turn is another thing you should have learned at 6). On that note, being rude to the sales person at check-out is not going to magically turn back time. In fact as soon as you leave you can guarantee that you will be talked about and laughed at for thinking that kind of behavior is okay.

The final, and perhaps most important rule…

#4 Just because you are at the mall and are preoccupied with shopping, that does not mean that you no longer have to monitor your children. The mall is a public place and therefore all parents need to keep their crazy kids under control. I know this kind of sounds like a given, you might be thinking, “Duh, everyone knows that.” But the truth is even the best parents seem to lose control upon entering the mall. It’s like the black hole for parenting skills. Kids are running around covered in ice-cream, screaming, messing up the clothes, playing with the mannequins, getting under the tables, sliding across the floor (seen it), posing in the windows (yep), skating all over the place with their weird shoes-with-wheels…you name it. Meanwhile, Mom and Dad are over picking out clothes like they came by themselves, completely oblivious to all the mayhem. Parents, this is completely unacceptable. If I have just described you or your children, shame on you. From now on it will make life much easier for others if you will just do all your shopping online. Seriously.

#5 Remember these rules if you don’t want to be hated.

(Don’t fault me for being harsh. I’m just telling you what you should already know.)